The Past I Own
by K-Caedmon
Summary: CHPT 2 is up!It's tough times for Carter, and those close to him know it. Only they can't do much about it. Or can they? Okay, so that's not a good summary. It's a little different, give it a shot. R
1. Don't

****

Disclaimer: I don't own ER, nor it's characters. I cannot ensure your enjoyment, although one would hope.

Author's note: Just one thing you would need to know, this takes place after Susan and John broke it off, and that's it. The rest should be revealed in this chapter and the next. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the show…well, the story rather.

THE PAST I OWN

Chapter One: Don't

Alone he stood in the darkened cold hallway in the ER. He knew the hallway and the occasion. The fear that raced through his veins made him nauseous as a woman passed and continued down the empty hall. "STOP!" He pleaded without any reply or sign she had heard him. "Stop," his voice cracked, "don't go. Don't go that way. You can't go in there." Approaching the exam room door she paused for a moment almost as if she considered his plea. "Don't," He whispered with emotions that dripped of the letters. He watched the door swing to the position it had previously been in, before the woman entered the room that lay beyond it.

Falling to his knees, tears of sorrow and helplessness fell into his hands. His body shook with pain that couldn't be measured. For what seemed like longer than minutes he stayed there, crouched in defeat and broken. Another figure began to move down the hall in the footsteps of the woman who had gone before. Lifting his head his tear streaked faced gazed at the man's back. "Please don't." His voice was cracking again, almost horse as he reached out his hand, knowing he couldn't touch him. "Don't! Just stop! Don't go in there! You can't go!" But the figure continued and another wave of despair and failure washed over the immobilized man.

Once again the door shut and he exhaled anything left within him; he knew the hell that awaited them. Falling completely to the floor his body suddenly convulsed with pain. The pain he knew to well. Contorting he reached for his back and screamed without relief. Tears and wails the only solace he could find, and even that inadequate and useless.

Lying on the ground the taste of blood filled his mouth, the sound of music and laughter filled his ears from the party he knew was yards away. Eyes shut, all he could see was her face, covered with terror and pleading for him to save her. Save them. Succumbing to the pain, to the reality that filled his senses with him still in the hallway. It was his hell, the hell that followed him through the years, through the relationships, through his life. It was the hell that was unrelenting and would sometimes hide for periods only to reemerge with a vengeance and renewed zeal. He could feel it all like the day it happened.

Returning to reality with a gasp, John Carter sat up in bed. He exhaled a sigh and wiped the sweat and tears from his face. Glancing to the left he stared at the clock that read 3:47 AM. Defiantly it glowed, daring him to return to the world of sleep and dreams. Releasing his head into his hands, he then slowly ran his fingers through his hair. Sleep wasn't an option. Most people couldn't return the dreams they had left, but somehow, perhaps by some subconscious curse or the responsibility he bore, he could return to the moment he left. Sleep was done.

Slowly he slid out of bed and began to methodically stretch. One quick move and the pain would stick with him longer than he would like. Moving silently he turned on the shower and while waiting for it to heat up he continued on to the kitchen and bee lined for the coffee maker. This was the best he could do, this was the only makeshift answer he could summon and he took what comfort he could from it.

……

It was a slower than usual morning. Conversation and laughter had formed around the admit desk. As the shift changes began a natural crowd had begun to come together. "Let me tell you man…" Malik stated to Jerry as they discussed some sporting event that had ended with a nice profit. There were at least four major conversations flowing, and people moved in and out of them with a grace that only comes from years of long shifts together. Haleh, Abby, Luka, among others smiled and laughed, enjoying each other's company. Leaning against the desk Susan sat back and quietly watched. She was listening to bits and pieces, simply enjoying being in the ER. An experience that came at random moments and made the insanity that was usually the reality more than worth it. The words of Luka filling her head as she abstractly gazed, "and it turns out the guy was a retired cop. He used to be on the bomb squad." Susan listened as she thought about the movie Speed. Keanu Reeves was hot. Pondering the actor she saw the doors automatically open as Carter made his way in and without looking over at the loud group he headed for the lounge.

Something's wrong. Susan knew it. It had been hard to let him go. They were still friends, but withdrawn. Not that she could blame him. It had been sudden and out of the blue. Their relationship had been progressing slowly, but that's what she had liked about it. That's what she had needed, she knew he understood that. The reasons she had come back to County, to Chicago, had almost everything to do with what she was trying to get away from. Perhaps it was also what she was trying to find as well. Maybe that's why he had taken it so hard when she told him. He had also put on a front, but she knew John Carter, and his front was admirable, but a front none the less. It was obvious to her, that day in the workshop. The bonds that tied him to Abby, a stranger could see them. He was hurting now, dealing with something and he wasn't talking to her. Not that she really expected him to, but she wanted him to.

With out her seeing, Abby was watching. She had seen John come in. She had seen the look that had registered on her new friend's face. She knew Susan had broken up with John because of her. She knew that as much as Susan denied or acted other wise it hurt her. Most upsetting, no one was talking about it. Abby wanted John to talk to her, Abby wanted to talk to Susan about it. Susan wanted to talk to John about it, and who knows who, if anyone, John wanted to talk to. He certainly wasn't making any moves, but then none of them could blame him. The worry on Susan's face revealed all she already knew to Abby. She could remember the days when that look would come across Carter's face when she would talk to him.

Reemerging from the lounge, he slowly wrapped his stethoscope around his neck. Looking from a distance he saw the group. For a second he locked eyes with Susan. Breaking the glance he walked down the hallway and disappeared. A quiet place is all he wanted. The patient situation was fine, everyone was doing nothing. A quiet room where he could be alone, perhaps alone with happier thoughts.

Watching him walk away without any type of gesture or communication Susan shut her eyes and sighed. Seeing it all happen, Abby too exhaled and glanced down at the floor.


	2. The Ground On Down

Disclaimer: I don't own ER nor its characters.

Chapter Two: From The Ground On Down

Just around the corner he stopped. Out of sight was far enough. Leaning against the wall he shut his eyes. The images from his dream as well as the look Susan gave him occupied his mind. Just a day, he thought, just one day with out complications. One day of just medicine. A smile flashed across his face as he thought of the years he had spent at County. The early years especially, back when he was Peter Benton's student and the ER was filled with those people he had come to love and respect. Doug and Carol, denying their relationship, Mark struggling to undo the mess left in the wake of Kerry, Benton being a hard ass, Susan. Those years held a special place in his life, in his mind likening it to someone's freshmen year of college. Everything's so different and meaningful, a new phase in life. Slowly it fades, semesters go by and soon whatever majestic quality there was had faded into life. People begin to move on, soon it's just memories.

New bonds get formed, new relationships birthed, and slowly through the transition times another family is born. The current family was gathered at the admit desk. There was no doubt that Carter had a place in that family, but today it didn't matter. For whatever reason today he longed for the reality that had passed. Deep inside he knew it was a time before wounds, both physical and emotional. It was a time when there were no complicated relationships to forge gaps and walls between them. Exhaling he pushed these thoughts away, he was in the here and now. There was nothing that could change that fact.

Opening his eyes a sharp movement caught his glare. Focusing in on the exam room that was directly across from him he saw a man going in to seizures. Within a second his instincts had him beside the bed and attempting to attend to the man. Reaching for the emergency button he pressed it and then returned to the patient.

"What happened?" Luka asked as he pushed the door open.

"I found his seizing." Carter replied as they worked on the man.

"Give him…" John could hear Luka giving orders to the nurse. His voice faded as Carter held the man down while he convulsed. Why wasn't he hooked to a monitor? John thought to himself, but held the question.

Within a few minutes they had the patient stable. "What happened?" John asked.

"I don't know," Luka answered in his thick accent that managed to annoy John in a matter of seconds.

"Whose patient was he?" He replied with an unyielding tone.

"Mine," Luka answered quickly. "He was a bum of the street who needed to sleep it off," he added defensively.

"Did you work him up at all?" Carter snapped with an edge. Out of some abyss John could see the words appear and then verbalize themselves before he could even attempt to censor them.

"We put him on a banana bag and let him sleep it off. You've done it a thousand times Carter."

Great, John thought, now the hostility was coming from all directions. Instead of continuing the argument he tried to cut it to a quick end. "Looks like you better find out what's wrong with your patient." John replied and walked out without an instant for Luka to respond.

Making his way towards the admit desk Carter could feel the blood pumping through his body. What a shitty day flashed through his mind. So much for a pleasant work environment. He was just a few feet away from the admit desk, and it didn't seem to matter much anymore that both Susan and Abby were there. He didn't have intentions to sit and chat it up.

"What the hell is your problem?" He heard the Croatian demand as he quickly caught up to him. The attention of everyone in ear shot was immediately drawn; and the ER, if possible, went silent.

"Drop it." John replied with a bit of force in his voice as he turned to face the man.

"I don't think I will." Luka shot back. "You attack me and the care I provide for patients, I want to talk about it."

"It didn't look like he'd gotten much care, if I hadn't have stumbled across him." Carter shot back.

"Hey!" Susan yelled as she quickly moved between the two men. "Both of you, stop. This is a hospital, act like doctors."

Her words stung, and John sighed before grabbing a chart and walking away silently.

"What happened?" Susan asked, turning her full attention to Luka.

"The homeless man in exam three was seizing. Carter found him. That's it."

"That's all?" Susan asked, a little lost as to what could have triggered such an altercation.

"That's it. He snapped," Luka stated before grabbing a chart himself and walking away.

Leaning against the counter and placing her hand on her forehead Susan shut her eyes. Something was going on, and she cared. She cared enough to talk to John about it, even if he didn't want to. Turning around Abby was already gone. "Huh," she said to herself before grabbing a chart and walking away.

Everyone who had been witness to the mornings main attraction had managed to avoid any party involved for the rest of the AM hours. Almost in opposition to the mood of the staff things were running rather smoothly. Patients were being seen and discharged at a fairly decent rate, although there was, as always, people waiting. Despite the large number of patients there was a quietness that had settled, as if to say lets just get the job done.

Feeling responsible had led to a small amount of remorse for Carter. Only a bit, he maintained the man should have been on a monitor, but the way he reacted. He shouldn't have snapped at Luka. So much for a simple day. Moving through the hall he paused to look in through the door to an exam room. Luka was working up a patient. Before he had the chance to look out the door Carter moved on.

The cafeteria was half way to capacity, a norm that persisted through out the hours of the day. The mix of hospital staff and patient's families always seemed a little odd, but also reassuring. We're all just people, he thought, these coats and scrubs don't make us into something more. Human seemed comforting at the moment.

"Elizabeth," he said warmly. "Mind if I join you?" He asked as he approached the small table she was sitting at while she ate her salad and sandwich.

"Not at all." She said politely as she moved her food in closer to accommodate his tray. "What's going on down there today?" She asked inquisitively. "I was down early for a rule out appy and…"

"Yeah, there was, uh, an altercation of sorts this morning." He said with a guilt bearing expression. "You can blame that on me."

"Huh," Elizabeth simply replied with out asking anything further.

Thankful for the reprieve, he started in on his sandwich and immersed himself in the task of finishing it. He had always been a fast eater. Something that had been well joked about. His turkey on wheat tasted just as it had two days before, but he didn't notice. Instead he thought about the jokes that stood out among the rest, those that stood the test of time and remained funny. An image of himself running through the hallway with a cast on his leg, the time they had convinced Connie that Doc Magoo's beat soup induced labor those were the things that remained funny to him.

"Carter?" He heard Elizabeth say, breaking his train of thought his eyes jolted to meet hers.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?" She asked, it must have been obvious, he thought.

"It's just…" Of course there was an interruption. There always was, this time it was his beeper, than hers. "Looks like lunch is over." He said with a smile.

"I believe your right." Elizabeth agreed as John grabbed the two trays and swiftly moved to the nearest trash can. "Shall we?" She added.

"After you." He said lightly as they began to make their way to the stairs.


End file.
